Roots Matter

While on my bike ride the other day, I came across this tree by our property. The main tree had either fallen down or was cut for some reason years ago. Can you see the main tree trunk smack in the middle?  All the little branches circling it are the new saplings growing from the main tree. All healthy and getting taller every year.

It struck me that single parents are like this tree. You have been cut down, weather storms, and feel a part of you is gone. But look again! You are still standing! Your roots are strong.  Now that is something to celebrate!

Not only that, you are producing saplings (that would be your kiddos) that are growing and maturing into adulthood.  Just as that tree is producing new ‘offspring” to grow, you have the opportunity to invest and help your children grow.  These saplings need the main rooted tree, and so do your children.  You are their lifeline. Children are watching and will  be imitating the way you live your life.

These precious children, whom God has entrusted to you as their lifeline, need your guidance and help. They will take from your strength (the strong root).  Teach them to be all they can be, to love Jesus, and grow into people of character.

If you love Jesus, it is like what the Apostle Paul said,

Plant your roots in Christ and let him be the foundation for your life. Be strong in your faith, just as you were taught. And be grateful. Colossians 2:7 (CEV)

Letting Christ be your foundation, will keep you striving to be strong in your faith and then able to pass it on to your kids.  Paul also said to be grateful. He wasn’t just preaching that.  He lived it because he was thrown in jail, shipwrecked and betrayed. So when he says be grateful it means we can try to do that as well!  Some days won’t feel like it, but deeply rooted and trusting Christ will give you the strength needed. Believe me, some days it is just plain hard!

But you must stay deeply rooted and firm in your faith. You must not give up the hope you received when you heard the good news. Colossians 1:23

My children are adults now living out their own journey.  For me, I pray that the roots that are the foundation of my life in Christ will be their foundation as they walk on their own path.

Now as I peddle by that tree, I am reminded that I still need to be the mom that is deeply rooted and firm in my faith as an example to my kids.  Roots matter!

OPEN YOUR TOOL BOX

  • Have HOPE even when you feel like you have been chopped and cut down in life
  • Be rooted in your faith as a firm foundation
  • Be a support and example to your children at whatever age
  • Appreciate the analogy as single parents how you can help give life to your kids
  • Memorize Colossians 1:23 and Colossians 2:7

YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

 

 

 

 

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You’re Such a Hibiscus!

It’s a compliment, really! And I’ll tell you why.

It never fails, my Hibiscus plants faithfully peek through the earth every spring. With each year, they get bigger and bigger.

This year, I split them in half or you would never find our home!  (Just kidding)

Even with me attacking it with a shovel and cutting into its roots to half their size, they are back to what they used to be! When the wind storms and rain beats down on these plants, they stay firmly planted.

I want to be just like a Hibiscus.  Despite the ‘wind storms’ and ‘downpours’ of life’s situations, I want to be strong and keep growing in size (no, not my weight) in character and spiritual blooming.

Life storms and heavy winds don’t stop and seem to be never ending. Single parents, you have a unique life. Of course you already know that.

Single moms take on jobs and roles that both parents used to share, deep loneliness invades their heart, and sadly some ex-spouses’ puts the kids in the middle (which is so sad), and they seem to have endless costs. They find it hard to move ahead and watch when their ex gets to be the fun parent and seems ‘so happy’. I would say that is a windstorm!

That is when they feel the roots of their life struggling to stand firm. God, our Father in Heaven, asks us to trust Him. Just hold on and ask for His help, His protection, and His strength. There were times, I didn’t want to stand firm or I didn’t have enough strength to face the day.  I praise God that He was there helping me to stand against each storm.

But I will bless those who trust me. They will be like tree growing beside a stream—
trees with roots that reach down to the water, and with leaves that are always green. They bear fruit every year and are never worried by a lack of rain.
   Jeremiah 17:7-8

I have seen single moms who live a life of character and integrity. They are fighters who, despite the storms, keep moving ahead to be the best they can be and be an example to their children. No one likes storms. I am not a fan, however, through my experiences, it has made me a stronger and more confidence woman.  Storms still come but if you are deeply rooted you will keep growing and growing….

So if I would say to you, You are such a hibiscus, that is a great compliment!

OPEN YOUR TOOL BOX:

  • Despite being up-rooted and hit by storms, stand firm like a hibiscus.
  • Trust God, our Heavenly Father, who will help you weather the storms of life.
  • Memorize Jeremiah 17:7-8
  • Plant a hibiscus in a planter or in your garden as a reminder that…..

……..YOU CAN DO THIS!

WHEN A MOMMA MOVES ON: Part 2

We all need hope and a sense of purpose. A good prescription for hope and purpose is when we can make:

A. (new) CHOICES

Sometimes choices are left in our lap and quite frankly didn’t want! I had to re-enter the work force, take on all household chores, and pay the bills. The kids and I had to work through life changes.

I am sure, like you, there were so many new choices. I had to decide my next steps and define my attitude. I definitely didn’t want to bitter placing blame all the time because I knew I would never heal.

Bless those that encouraged me to trust God to help me in all my decisions. I had a choice in my conversations, and choosing a positive attitude when I really didn’t want to have one.

At the end of the day, I wanted to be at peace with my choices that were God-honouring and God-centered.  These kind of new choices will make a Momma Move Ahead!  What kind of choices do you feel would help you have a healthier lifestyle for you and your children?

B.  (new) CHALLENGES

Step One is to make new choices, but the challenge comes when it is time to turn that into an action plan.

For me, that meant going to night school, working full time, packing up and moving to another city, seeing a counselor to get some REALITY focus, and heal in positive ways.

I know some have shared if they should pack and move somewhere else.  Should they start to date again? What about starting a brand new career and how to go about it?  Some have children that are not dealing with the marriage break down and wonder what to do. Legal issues never seem to end.

No wonder God said He hated divorce.  It is not just two people splitting apart, it is a rippling affect and brings many challenges.  For me, I had to take a step back and evaluate, evaluate, evaluate.  I asked:

  1. What is good and in the best interest for the children?
  2. What will be good for the future in employment with benefits, retirement plans, what skills do I need to accomplish taking care of my little family?
  3. What about dating? How are the kids reacting? Do they need me more than I need a boyfriend? Am I just trying to show up my ex that “I still got it”? Am I running to a guy because I am lonely? I see many single parents start dating right away. I would really encourage you to take time to heal, take time with the kids, and take time to found out who you are now.  Don’t be afraid to be alone. If you feel you are in a good spot and the kids are OK with it, then enjoy the ride and bless you in the journey!
  4. Another challenge is to set some positive boundaries for you and the kids. Working to keep everyone in a good routine and a good schedule will go a long way in reducing stress.
  5. Would you consider some family counselling or individual counselling for you and your kids? Something to think about. I did it for all of us and it was helpful.

Some days my body ached just trying to make good choices and facing challenges. Don’t despair and keep having HOPE.  It will pay off.

C. (new) CELEBRATIONS

Life can be tough day-in and day-out…so take some time to CELEBRATE!  Healing and positive decisions in your family means celebrations!

Do something special with your kids, have a girl’s night while the kids are away, or go see a movie. When you finish a hard task, do something fun!  It doesn’t have to be big, but it’s a WAY TO GO moment.

It’s Time Dear One!  ….to make (new) CHOICES and (new) CHALLENGES and that lead to a time to CELEBRATE.

OPEN YOUR TOOL BOX

  • Try the 3 C’s….CHOICES, CHALLENGES, CELEBRATE! It will be amazing.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

When a Momma Moves On: Part 1

It’s Time!  After life have settled somewhat, there comes a decision.  Drum roll please! ….

WHAT STEPS CAN I TAKE TO MOVE ON?

I have seen single parents react in two ways.

  1. BITTERNESS, BLAMING, and BUNGED UP (I don’t mean needing fiber!)
  2. (new) CHOICES, (new) CHALLENGES, and (new) CELEBRATIONS                                              Their choice will not only affect themselves but their children.

I don’t have all the answers but I’ve walked the walk.

Those that live with bitterness in their heart are trapped as they place blame on others and everything that touches their life.  End result: This type of poison leaves them Bunged Up! On the other hand, I have seen those living out #2 option and reflect as Scriptures says,

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

Fact #1: MOST TIMES LIFE IS UNFAIR leading to painful situations.  Truth is, I hate that!  Some can handle it way better than me and their faith and trust is such an example. I have to work at it step by step.

When my heart was crushed due to a broken marriage, I wanted it fixed but it didn’t happen. Just getting myself out of bed, getting the kids to school, making meals which made me feel nauseous, and continually wiping my stream of tears had me weary.  I didn’t bounce out of bed one morning, put on a cheer leading outfit and decide to turn everything around.

It was a process. With positive choices, I began to fight for new challenges, and celebrate when I had victory.  Some were small, while others were huge. The truth is, we all struggle with negative thoughts and feelings.  Other days, we feel like we can take on the world singlehandedly.  It’s human, it’s normal.

FACT #2: IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS

I find it good to ask questions. How am I feeling these days; is it positive or negative?  What situation has brought this on?  That is the start….

I can’t even begin to know what you have gone through. For some, you are working through infidelity, some  have had emotional or physical abuse, others are left alone penniless, countless court fees, new health problems, loss of old friends, and helping your children through their pain. On and on…. Nothing can sugar coat it.

We need to own and identify our thoughts, realize what they are, and then work through them. We can live a much bunged up lifestyle when we live with guilt because of our thoughts and feelings.  We can also let our stinkin’ thinkin’ be a part of our every day.  Don’t stay there or it will have you emotionally paralyzed. I called a friend, talked to my Heavenly Father, saw a counselor, and CHOOSE to make positive steps for myself and my children.

For some, just writing your feelings down or talking to a wonderful friend, will not be enough. It may mean some professional help and perspective. Don’t be ashamed or afraid of it.  Dialing that number could be the greatest decision for true healing. It changed my life for the better.

Don’t know where to start?  Try this link.  www.findchristiancounselor.com

Sadly, I have listened to single parents (both men and women) years later who are so trapped in past pain that every decision and every attitude breathes bitterness.  Their stance and facial expressions have become hard. They used to laugh but now everything is a chore and I hear comments like, “Why did this happen to me? Life isn’t worth living? He/she ruined my life!”  I am saddened that they live a bunged up life because everyone has good news!

FACT #3: THERE IS HOPE!

We all have new choices, new challenges, and new celebrations.

To make that happen, it means we all have to take some time to identify the thoughts and feelings we are facing–head on.  If you are bitter, or blaming everyone for your life situation, step back and see if you can see some positive steps that will leave you less bunged up. You will feel a ton better!

We all need Hope with a capital H. Would you be willing to write down some of your feelings? If you pray, begin to pray over this list. Find a friend, pastor, or counselor to start working on your list. God wants you to have victories in your life!  Remember Isaiah 61: 3… crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

This blog has been long enough, so next time we will continue with Fact #3. Then let’s see what new choices, challenges, and celebrations can come from it! Questions like; to date or not to date, moving or staying where you are, setting some boundaries, and how to react to challenges…and then a time to party!

OPEN YOUR TOOLBOX

  • Accept that life is sometimes just plain unfair
  • Identify your feelings
  • Live with HOPE

You can do this! Until next time. When a Momma Moves On:  Part 2

When a Momma Encourages Her Kids

Do these situations sound familiar?  You have stood, in the pouring rain, at your kid’s school field day cheering them on.  Proudly took pictures of the ballerina performances and music recitals.  Do you remember watching in horror as your child got flattened on the soccer field and you reach for your phone ready to call 911?  It’s was the time when you wiped the tears from your face as they head off to prom, or you found yourself on your knees in prayer watching them leave the driveway alone for the first time.  It’s watching them graduate from college as proud as punch, or clinching a tissue watching them say their wedding vows hoping and praying things will be just fine.

The scenarios are endless, but as parents we would give our right arm to encourage our kids to be the best they can be. Some children may never say thank you, some won’t ever understand the impact, and others will be very grateful.

Whatever the situations, encouragement is so important to every child.  It is important to understand that giving true praise is not making our kids prideful.  It is helping them see their giftedness and giving them confidence so when things come up in life they are able to handle it better.  Encouragement isn’t about the dollar amount, the size of the home, or the latest fashion sense.  It’s about the heart condition and making our kids realize their important worth.

I hear adults saying how a school teacher said that could be anything they wanted to be, or momma’s (and dad’s too!) being so proud of their kids and telling them they are so special. I can still remember the positive words spoken to me. They are tucked in a part of my heart that beats for part of who I am today.

Raising my girls, I wanted them to know they were important. By no means was I perfect. In retrospect, I missed some important discussion times, timely hugs, and there were times I gave more advice when I should have just listened.  However, they knew I loved them and we were a Team.

How can we encourage our kids? Here are some suggestions that I try and implement.

  1. Learn about each child’s dreams and aspirations. Help them to define it and ask them all kinds of questions. Engage in who they are. Why not work together to research and communicate about those dreams?  As they kids grow older their dreams will change and their life passions will become more defined.  Not every girl will want to become a princess or every boy a transformer! Ha Ha
  2. Commit to praying for your individual children and their passions for life. (Don’t forget to pray for their possible spouse as well!) Share Jesus with them. Help them understand the wonderful eternal journey they can have and let them know that God is the author of dreams and goals!
  3. If they fall, let them know you are there. Keep encouraging them for the next chapter in their life. Sometimes, we can only stand at the sidelines feeling like our hands tied. Truth may be that kids don’t want help, so respect that. Assure them you are always there so they know. That is a hard thing for Mommas to do. So…. go back to #2.
  4. Keep on giving words of encouragement. Technology is wonderful so we can talk back and forth instantly. My one daughter is overseas right now and I am very grateful for the tools to not only talk but see her wonderful face and hear her laugh.

Encouragement is a precious gift we can give our children. We all need it. It helps us move ahead, to help define who we are, and can give us the push to be all we can be.

OPEN YOUR TOOL BOX:

  • If you are able, check in with your child and give them a word of encouragement
  • Pray for each of your children to grow into who they were created to be
  • Help your kids to dream
  • If your children are not speaking with you, pray for them. Ask God to open doors so you can encourage them in small ways.  Pray for truth.
  • Understand your encouragement is a wonderful gift to give each of your children

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Next Time:  When a Momma Moves Ahead

When A Momma’s Heart Hurts

I had three similar conversations this past week while waiting at my appointments. Three different locations with three different women who didn’t know each other.

I asked a casual question not knowing it was like an anchor hanging around their necks. I asked them how their kids were. In that moment, a flood gate of words gushed from their mouth releasing what was on their heart. They want the very best for the children. I am sure you feel the same way about your kiddos whether they are still at home or are adult children living elsewhere.  We love our children and we are momma bears trying to protect and nurture each one.

A momma’s heart beats to the same drum.  There was sacrifices and total investments raising our kids to be the best they could be.

These three women shared how their children had made some unwise and life-changing decisions.  They watch as their children struggle along.  Their adult kids don’t want to listen to advice and have stopped speaking to them.  I listened to these moms say to me, “I didn’t bring them up that way”.

Again, they are standing on the sidelines but this time in the journey called life; clinging to their heart. Tears flow knowing their hands are tied.

Our world has many views about life that have turned people away from God. They are angry and even though some were raised in Christian homes and went to church, they have left it all behind.  They comment, “What does it matter anyway.  I like to believe what I want and do what I want.”  Truthfully, life is so much more. It’s not a list of do’s and don’ts but a relationship with God who wants them to enjoy life in the true sense.  He wants to fill their empty hearts.

Momma’s (and Grandmothers, you are not alone.  All around the world, mother’s are living with hurting hearts. I know this because I have had many other conversations just like the ones I had last week. The feelings of helplessness is very real, but be encouraged you don’t have to feel hopeless.

May I encourage you to:

  1. Not give up on them. Let them know you are there but you may need to give them space.
  2. Love them even if they aren’t talking to you. Have you thought of just sending a card saying ‘thinking of you.’ No questions, no advice, just signing, Mom   (or Grandma)
  3. Pray for them. God loves them too!

I found this website that gives a free printable sheet how you can pray for your kids.  It might be worth the time to read over this.  https://club31women.com/12-powerful-verses-pray-children/. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to make prayer a priority asking God to work in their hearts and ask God to surround you with His peace and comfort in this waiting room of life.

Claim this verse, My children, I am in terrible pain until Christ may be seen living in you. Galatians 4:19

I am glad I had those kind of women in my life who continued to pray and love me despite the choices I made and some painful roads I had to travel.

Do you have a hurting heart?  Do you feel helpless and hopeless? You are not alone. There is power in the prayers of a momma’s heart.  Don’t give up…

OPEN YOUR TOOL BOX

  • Write out your children’s names (at whatever age) and pray for them daily
  • Despite them not acting like you ‘raised them”, love them and let them know that
  • Find someone who will pray with you
  • Ask God for wisdom in how you should deal with each of your children. Never give up praying for them and being an example of love.
  • If your child won’t talk to you right now and they want space, continue to pray, pray, and pray!
  • Claim Galatians 4:19

YOU CAN DO THIS!

A Stone in my Shoe

Recently I was hiking in the mountains. Somehow a little stone got into my shoe. I knew it was there and quite aggravating, but I never stopped to take it out. The views were so breath taking, I got distracted. Can you believe it, the next day I felt that same stone which I had not taken the time to remove.

Isn’t that just like bitterness? It begins small.  It is irritating and it affects what we are doing. If not dealt with, it begins to gnaw at our life. Each step I took, I knew the stone was there.  When bitterness is harbored in our lives, it stays with us throughout the day. It controls our thought life, marriage, home life, our day to day relationships and our work suffers.

The Apostle Paul saw this in the life of fellow believers.  He understood that bitterness takes hold of our minds and controls our existence.  He wrote,

”For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.” (Acts 8:23)

This is not a new concept.  King Solomon knew from his God-given wisdom that bitterness zaps us of joy. Because of this, we can’t enjoy day to day life.

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” (Proverbs 14:10)

Life is not an easy hike in the forest. We hit bumps and stumps with level and uneven places.  No argument from me.  However, we also have some wonderful breath-taking moments when we can see though despite all the unevenness of our life, there is time for reprieve and healing.  When we can sit back, empty the stone in our shoe, and begin again, our heart will heal, the bitterness will subside and we can move ahead.  Bitterness can easily creep back in so we have to continually be aware of that ‘stone in our shoe’.  Throw it out….ask God to help walk without this stone of bitterness.

”Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)

Is there a stone in your shoe?  What is hurting your soul right now? Ask God to release you from it.  Begin to enjoy life and all its breath-taking moments again and let the stone dribble out.  Start to see the quiet things in your life that are important…a touch of a pet, an encouraging word from a co-worker, or maybe a walk in a park to see the handiwork of God.  Flip your shoe over and release the bitterness out.  Slowly begin to see the joy in life.

OPEN YOUR TOOLBOX:

  • Write out 3 positive words or phrases to help you face today.
  • Figuratively, take your shoe off and dump out that stone that is controlling your life.  On goes the shoe and on goes your day.
  • Realize the victory you have when you can take control and release bitterness.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

I wrote this for ‘Power to Change’, https://powertochange.com/blogposts/2011/08/21/a-stone-in-my-shoe/.  Why not stop by and check out their resources and helps.